My story of self-love
"I have a loved one and a good job in IT. What could be wrong?" - I thought at the age of 20.
But everything wasn't as perfect as it seemed. After six months of romance, my boyfriend and I started arguing every week. I was excessively demanding of myself and of him, believing that it was good for both of us. However, these demands could never be fully satisfied.
I had insecurities about my appearance - acne, an imperfect figure, and excess hair. I would compare myself to everyone and often come up short. There was always someone better than me.
At work, I would get nervous before every task that lay ahead, afraid of making mistakes or seeming incompetent. Once, to meet a project deadline, I spent three months working on it in the evenings and on weekends. It wasn't always necessary, but the perfectionist in me couldn't stand anything being 'unfinished' or 'late.' Those three months are a blur in my memory. Life, like the blooming of sakura in my hometown of Uzhhorod, passed me by. I ended up with gastritis, insomnia, and constant anxiety over any little thing. The anxiety drained me to the point where it became difficult to read books or even appreciate the descriptions of paintings in galleries - the information would just slip away from my mind.
Weekends and vacations didn't help; I would return to work through tears and pain. I felt wrong because 'everyone else is working, why don't I want to?' I changed companies to see if the issue was with the workplace. After six months, I realized that the prospect of doing something I didn't love for the next 40-50 years terrified me. The thought of living a life in suffering was painful. So, I left the IT field.
I ventured into the unknown, filled with fear and doubts. Nobody around me had done this before – I felt like I was swimming against the current. Leaving everything behind and starting over didn't align with my previous criteria for success. But I didn't want to go back to IT without trying to find my own path.
The arguments with my boyfriend didn't disappear, and the psychology books didn't help. After three years of living together, we sought help from a psychologist. Well, it was more like 'we,' but initially, I believed that he needed to change because 'I'm doing everything right, but he's not.' So, the problem must be with him. But then, I became curious about what they were doing in those sessions, and soon, I started going as well. It turned out that I had an anxiety disorder, excessive self-criticism, and high expectations for myself and others. There was much for me to work on because I didn't know how to take care of myself properly.
Working with the psychologist, I began to recognize my anxiety. I noticed that I would avoid negative feelings - I would talk non-stop, work a lot, eat lots of sweets, buy things I didn't need, and get lost in TV series and social media.
I started taking better care of myself. I started a journal where I could pour out everything that was spinning in my head and tearing me apart. By unloading my thoughts, I began sleeping better. I learned to recognize my emotions, and this was the first step in understanding my true needs, rather than striving for 'successful success,' which I had diligently pursued in previous years. My husband and I set more comfortable boundaries for each other, and the conflicts decreased – we could go a whole month without any major disagreements.
My anxiety decreased, but I was still tormented by questions like, 'What should I do in life? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my existence? When will I find my true passion?' I bombarded my psychologist with these questions almost every session, and I don't know how she endured it.
'Allow yourself to do nothing,' she would say, 'the answers are within you.'
I allowed myself to experiment – I played the piano, but I lacked the patience to practice pieces repeatedly. I made handmade candleholders, mini-gardens with plants, and vision boards – I enjoyed creating things, but I didn't see it as my profession, more like a hobby. I attended the gym and modeling school – it was a childhood dream of mine, but after a month, I realized it wasn't for me. I sold Korean cosmetics – it allowed me to earn money, but I didn't feel fulfilled just reselling products. So, for 9 months, I searched for my calling.
I read books; it has always been my resource. Once, while reading Viktor Frankl's work 'Man's Search for Meaning,' I remembered that back in school, I had wanted to become a psychologist. I realized that I still wanted to pursue that dream, as it would allow me to combine creativity, earn a living, and the opportunity to derive satisfaction from my work while benefiting people. Allowing myself to pursue my former dream, everything fell into place. I found a university where I wanted to study, and they were just starting preparatory courses for admission. I happily traveled to a different city every month to learn about my favorite subject. And after six months, I was admitted to my beloved Ukrainian Catholic University.
Together with my husband, we moved to Lviv so I could attend university. The years of study were filled with joy and excitement for new knowledge, and they flew by in a single moment. I worked hard, and as a result, I earned a master's degree in psychology and became certified as a coach in cognitive-behavioral therapy.
I didn't stop there and decided to continue my education to become a psychotherapist. So, in 2018, I started studying symbol drama. I stumbled upon this training completely by chance – a friend was enthusiastic about it. But I enjoyed working with imagination and creating metaphors that help deeply process oneself so much that I happily continued learning symbol drama to this day. As part of the training, I undergo personal therapy, as there is always room for personal growth. I also frequently use this method in my work with clients.
Having experienced couples' psychotherapy firsthand, I wanted to help other couples restore intimacy and mutual understanding in their relationships. Therefore, since 2019, I have been studying emotionally focused therapy for couples – a scientifically proven and, at the same time, very gentle, warm, and caring method for strengthening relationships. My learning journey has benefited our own relationship as well – my husband and I have learned to cherish our bond and be kinder to each other. And, of course, I use this method to assist the couples who come to me for help.
Now I am much calmer, have my dream job, and enjoy good relationships with myself, my husband, relatives, and friends. Today, I provide psychological support to people who have faced the same pain points I once did. Because I know how it feels:
- to criticize yourself for mistakes and imperfections, draining all your energy
- to argue with your partner every week
- to lose sleep
- to feel anxious, with your heart pounding out of your chest, your body tense like a string, and your attention so scattered that you read the same page of a book multiple times without remembering anything
- to fear criticism and judgment from others
- to prioritize others over yourself, fearing that if you don't, you won't be liked, and you might be abandoned
- to work until burnout at your job
- to search for your calling and move to a new city to pursue it
Anxiety will always be with us; it won't disappear - it's a vital and necessary emotion, and we can learn to live with it and move forward.
It is possible to learn to understand ourselves and our needs, live our lives, and build loving relationships with ourselves and our partners.
Self-love is an individual process for each person – it depends on the specific goals and motivation to work on oneself. By learning to give love to ourselves, we can share it with others.
If you desire to love and develop your unique personality, to offer the world what only you can – I invite you to join me on this journey.
With love,
Olesia Bobruiko