"I have low self-esteem, what should I do?"

March 18, 2021

With this issue, Alice turned to a psychologist. She feels anxious in communication with others, as she fears criticism. It's difficult for her to say no to others—she recalls a situation when she was talking to a friend on the phone and was late for work as a result.

Being alone triggers feelings of loneliness in Alice, so she spends all her free time from work cleaning, watching TV series, or going for walks with friends. Alice is a web designer, and despite her flexible schedule, she tries to work as much and as hard as she can.

Here is Alice's list of demands for herself:

earn a higher salary,
lose 5 kilograms,
have an even skin tone,
get a driver's license,
finally learn English,
meet a guy who would like me, for whom I could change for the better,
start my own business,
travel around the world
...

and much, much more.

Alice understands that she doesn't meet all of her demands and suffers because of it. It's especially difficult for her when one of her friends manages to get a promotion at work, start her own business, or pass her driving test. In such moments, she criticizes herself: "why did she succeed and I didn't; what makes me worse?" and often eats sweets to improve her mood.

From the psychologist, Alice learned that self-esteem is how we evaluate ourselves, it's our beliefs about our abilities and our worth.

Self-esteem is formed in childhood and depends on how our loved ones treat us.

If, as children, we are accepted for our achievements, for keeping our room tidy, for looking neat, and conversely, criticized and compared to others when we don't, then as adults, we only accept our successes and scold ourselves for failures, comparing ourselves to others.

Alice remembered her grandmother's words—"B is not a grade" or "look how beautifully your friend plays the piano, why can't you?"—and her mother's "what are you wearing? You have no taste at all." Of course, there were many good messages from loved ones, but these somehow stuck in her memory.

"So it turns out that we treat ourselves the way our closest and most important people treated us?" Alice was surprised.
"Yes," replied the psychologist.
"What should I do then?" asked a saddened Alice.
"Let me share a story with you about a cactus."

cactus in an orange pot — Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Imagine a well-tended, healthy cactus being sold for 10 EUR. "Oh, so cheap," one lady marvels. "Why so expensive?" another asks. "If it had bloomed, I would buy it, but like this—no," asserts a third.

Somehow the cactus wasn't taken from the windowsill, and it got sick—several leaves got sunburned. Its price dropped to 7 EUR. And just like that, different people evaluate the cactus itself and its value differently.

People's judgments don't always reflect the true value of the cactus. Even the price doesn't entirely depend on the cactus's condition but rather on the demand for it. Its real value lies in the fact that it exists, it is a cactus.

Healthy or sick, well-tended or neglected, it is what it is.

And its condition depends on how it was treated, how it was cared for, how much effort and love were put into it. It was healthy when it was watered, fertilized, treated for pests, checked to see if it had enough light and warmth. And it got sick when it was forgotten. And its price dropped. But did it stop being a cactus? Not at all.

When the needs of the cactus are unmet, it suffers, just like we do. The cactus cannot change people's assessment of itself, just like we cannot. But unlike the cactus, we can take care of ourselves and our needs.

Watering plants in the garden. — Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

— "I feel sorry for the cactus," sighed Alice.

— "Me too.", psychologist answered.

— "Now I understand that others' judgment, worth, and attitude towards oneself are different things. But how do you take care of yourself and your needs?" the girl asked.

— "The key to our needs lies in our emotions. Let's take your situation with your friend. What did you feel when she got a promotion at work?"

— "Hmm... On the one hand, I was happy for her, but there were also unpleasant feelings."

— "What were those feelings?"

— "I feel embarrassed to say it, but I was jealous of her."

— "I see... How do you feel when you talk about it?"

— "I feel bad, I feel guilty for being jealous."

— "We often want to suppress unpleasant emotions and we blame ourselves for them. But feeling any emotions, both positive and negative, is normal. Emotions are just signals from our brain that give us information about ourselves or the situation we are in."

— "When you felt jealous of your friend, what did you want?"

— "I really wanted to get that promotion and didn't get it."

— "How did you feel when you didn't get what you wanted so badly?"

— "I felt sad and it seems like I'll never get that promotion."

— "So you felt sadness and hopelessness?"

— "Yes, hopelessness is exactly what I felt."

— "How could you take care of yourself in moments of sadness and hopelessness?"

— "I don't know, at that moment I went to eat chocolate and watch TV series to try to improve my mood somehow. But I still felt awful 😩"

— "And how would you take care of a loved one when they are sad?"

— "I would sympathize with them and try to help in any way I can."

— "Could you sympathize with yourself and help yourself in moments when you're struggling?"

— "I haven't tried doing that..."

— "Would you like to try and see what happens?"

Self-compassion

We, like everyone else, deserve compassion for ourselves 💛

A woman holding her hand to her heart. — Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

Self-compassion means treating ourselves kindly and with understanding when we face personal failures. In other words, in difficult moments, we treat ourselves as a good friend: we notice our own suffering, empathize with ourselves, and offer kindness and understanding.

This idea was proposed by psychologist and researcher Kristin Neff. "Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluation. We feel compassion for ourselves not because we meet certain standards (beautiful, smart, successful, etc.), but because all people deserve compassion and understanding. This means that having compassion for ourselves, we don't need to be better than others to feel good" (Neff, n.d.).

A little kitten being petted. — Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash

"I have low self-esteem, what should I do?" — Cultivate an attitude towards yourself as you would towards a good friend:

STEP 1: Approach your emotions with kindness and understanding, remembering that it's normal and important to feel both positive and negative emotions. Use the question: "What am I feeling right now?" If it's unpleasant feelings, acknowledge and accept them. Use phrases like: "This is a moment of suffering", "I'm feeling angry right now", "I'm hurting/scared/lonely", "This is stress". (Neff, n.d.)
STEP 2: Accept that suffering is a part of life. Every person has encountered suffering, as it is our shared human experience. Use phrases like: "I'm not alone in my suffering", "Other people feel this way too", "We all go through tough times in life", "No one has a perfect life". We, like everyone else, deserve support and compassion.
STEP 3: Ask yourself "Can I be kind to myself?", "How can I express kindness to myself?", "What words or actions do I need right now?" Also, carefully explore your needs at the moment: "What do I need right now?", "What would I like right now?"
STEP 4: Give yourself what you currently need. This could be words spoken to yourself, such as: "I'm sorry you're having a hard time", "You can handle this", "You are good enough regardless of the outcome", "You are more valuable than any accomplishment", "You are worthy of love". Also, hugs, warm touches, requests for support—anything that helps you express compassion, support, and love for yourself, which we deserve no matter what happens.